The Monthly/Annual Sexual Check-In
Turn sexual satisfaction into a recurring, rateable conversation instead of a topic that only surfaces during a crisis.
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 6
- Confidence
- 81%
This is a structured, recurring conversation practice built from Dr. Tara's research finding that sexual communication is the single strongest predictor of long-term sexual satisfaction. The mechanism has a monthly cadence and an annual cadence. Monthly, partners ask a simple rating question (1-10, with a reason) and follow it with a single, specific, achievable improvement question, deliberately avoiding big unrealistic asks. As comfort builds, the conversation progresses through three tiers: first just quality ('do we feel good about our sex life'), then preferences ('do these things still feel good, is there anything new you want me to try'), then menu-expansion ('what haven't we tried that we might want to'). Annually, a deeper review accounts for life-stage shifts, new kids, aging parents, health changes, that quietly reshape a couple's sex life. The structure works because it turns an emotionally loaded topic into a small, expected, recurring ritual rather than a rare, high-stakes confrontation.
Origin
Built from Dr. Tara's 5,000-person study finding that regular sexual communication predicts long-term sexual satisfaction, and refined through her clinical work with couples.
Core principles
- 01Sexual satisfaction should be checked in on regularly, not only discussed during a crisis.
- 02Progress through quality, then preferences, then menu-expansion, in that order of increasing vulnerability.
- 03Ask for gradual, single-point improvement rather than unrealistic overhauls.
- 04Treat a low rating as data, not an indictment of the relationship or partner.
- 05Run a deeper annual review to account for life-stage changes that affect sex.
How to run it
- 1
Schedule the recurring check-in
Put a monthly check-in on the calendar the same way you'd schedule any other recurring relationship maintenance task.
- 2
Ask the rating question
Ask your partner to rate the last month's sex life from 1 to 10 and explain why, without interrupting or getting defensive.
- 3
Ask the single-point improvement question
Follow the rating with 'what could we do together to improve that by one point,' deliberately targeting small, gradual change.
Pro tip Asking for one point of improvement keeps the ask realistic and non-threatening compared to asking 'how do we fix everything.'
- 4
Layer in preferences over time
Once quality check-ins feel routine and safe, add questions about specific preferences and whether anything new should be tried.
- 5
Layer in menu-expansion
Once preference conversations feel safe, add questions about entirely new activities the couple hasn't tried.
- 6
Run an annual deeper review
Once a year, review how life-stage changes, kids, aging parents, health, work stress, have affected the sex life and what needs to adapt.
In the wild
On the show, Shawn reveals he and his wife already informally check in on sex life quality and consistently rate it a 10, though they had never extended the conversation to preferences or menu-expansion.
→ Dr. Tara identifies this as a strong foundation and issues Shawn a specific challenge to add the two missing tiers of the conversation.
Common mistakes
Starting with preferences or menu-expansion
Jumping straight to 'what new things should we try' before quality conversations feel safe skips necessary trust-building and can backfire.
Treating a low score as an attack
Reacting defensively to a low rating instead of treating it as useful information shuts down future honesty in the check-in.
Skipping the annual review
Only running the monthly cadence and never stepping back annually misses slower life-stage shifts that quietly erode sexual satisfaction.
Is it for you?
Best for
Established couples who want a lightweight recurring practice to keep sexual communication current.
Not ideal for
Couples who have never discussed sex at all; Dr. Tara recommends easier preference conversations first before attempting a rating check-in.
From the transcript
“I think it's extremely important for couples to have regular sexy check-ins. And I say you should have it monthly, one monthly, and then one…”
“How would you rate our sex life last month from 1 to 10 and why? ... We're looking for gradual improvement here, not unrealistic goals.”
“You don't talk about preferences as much... Or expansion. Expanding the menu.”
From the episode
#308 Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn - TikTok's #1 Sex Educator on Why Relationships Are Failing